Just breathe

As the mother of 5 children, some grown or near to it, and others still so little and needing me, I find myself emotionally confused.
I had my first at 19 and my last at 40.  My eldest J is now 25. He has been out on his own since he was 19 or so.  At that point, I found myself feeling too young to be "loosing" my kids. The thought of my daughters (now 20 and 17) leaving home is petrifying to me.  I find myself closing a chapter in my life that I don't feel ready to close.  I feel frozen in fear at the thought of being left with B and the wee ones.  I know they need me, but I feel suddenly...cornered, by my own doing.
Part of me says S, all moms feel this way now and again it is natural.  Other parts say, oh come on suck it up.  You are lucky to have beautiful healthy children. And yet another says, you are a despicable woman for thinking the things you have been lately.

I think...I always used to say I never ever could understand how a mother could leave her kids to their father and just walk away....now I think I know maybe a little of what is going through their heads.  I know deep down I don't have it in me to leave them.  They did not ask to be here and how dare I bale on them?  But maybe if nothing else, this experience has led me to a better understanding of the human spirit.  Maybe just maybe I am a bit less judgemental of others.  Life is difficult.  Life is scary. I have been a mom since 1986 and I have let it define who I am.  Not on purpose, it is all I ever knew.  I left my fathers home for my husbands.  So, I went from child to mother in a New York minute. Robbed myself of expression, exploration....living for just me.  So I think now is the time to be selfish and just say, hey ya know what?  I don't think I can do this anymore.  These were my choices, not the choices of my children....so, I stay.  I "suck it up" and be there for them.  I think rather than wallowing in self pity I should count my blessings and be a better mom...and definitely get some SLEEP!

Joseph

Yesterday we celebrated my son Joe's 25th birthday.  It was an emotional day for me.  I spent the afternoon with my sister and daughter in a local candle store.  We started talking about Joe being 25, and where the time has gone.  Her oldest will be leaving for Ohio U in Sept, and the thought of his leaving is really taking a toll on her.  We are so sad to see him go.  We are a close knit family. 

I think I need to call my mom and ask her just how she dealt with her bustling home turning into an empty nest.  I have had an emotional week.  I am supposed to be taking Zoloft, but I have not in a month or more.  I don't like the weight gain and whats more, I don't like not being able to deal with my life without a pill.  Where is the happy medium? 

My sister seems so forlorn about the boys going off to college, she actually wants one of my daughters to live with her next year.  I am sick at the thought of my girls leaving me.  I have two boys left...they are young...I am not so young.  The thougth of being left with B and the two young ones is so depressing to me.  I should be overjoyed, but I'm not.  I feel helpless, and tired and worried.  One day at a time I guess.

Shake it up!

Snow again this morning...March 11th and still more snow!  I hope this whole comes in like a Lion and out like a Lamb thing holds true, because we can't take much more.  Granted in light of the tsunami in Japan, things could be worse.

I just feel that moldy oldy winter feeling, where my moods go with what the sky says.  I need to shake it up a bit.  I neeeed to hit the treadmill, work out some kinks...still searching for the much needed energy. 

Currently my biggest "mommy" worry is Jack..child number 5...you would think I had seen it all.  BUT, the toddler who used to eat brocolli like there was no tomorrow is now the kid that won't eat any veggies or hardly anything healthy.  He is starting to battle constipation, I know, I know, my fault, I am his mother.  SO I guess I will have to put him in starvation mode until he breaks and eats what I put in front of him.  Let the battle of wills begin.

I think tonight my DH and I will look at pool liners for the pool, maybe that will help us think spring. 

Take time to realize

Our household seems to ebb and flow with the weather these days.  Spring is having a hard go of it in NW OH this year...or maybe we are just so sick of the cold and snow we are jumping the gun a bit.  In any event, when it warms a bit and Will and Jack can go out to get some air, we are a happier household, and we have little ones who willingly fall into bed!
When it gets cold yet again, back to cabin fever and the crazies!  Recently Em's boyfriend brought the boys a Nintendo 64 and some old games including Mario Kart (bless his soul) as this has given a new interest and something else to do.  Let's face it, you can only do so many arts and crafts, watch movies, eat, heck I even put the kiddie pool in our basement and let them "go swimming" for something new to do.

I did manage to buy a new truck...I will post a pick.  Not new new, but new to me!  So glad to have given up the mini van. a.k.a. the looser cruiser!


 I have decided to take time to notice the little things more often.  Spring just seems fitting...everything is new again, that is if spring ever gets here. Impatiently waiting!