Monday, February 28, 2011

When I found you, somewhere I lost myself.

Marriage is hard, it is work.  It is work in ways I never would have imagined.  As I have mentioned before, my dearly beloved has major childhood damage.  I am finding after 9 yrs with him that I have allowed myself to take a back seat to all the baggage.  I think I need to work on that.  I KNOW I need to work on that.  I think as a woman we feel the need to "reinvent" ourselves so to speak every now and again.  I think that time is coming for me.  This doesn't mean I have to leave, or make huge changes, just pay a bit more attention to ME.  I know he has his issues, but I am making them my issues to the point I get lost along the way....this is MY problem not his.

On the home front, I managed to buy a car over the weekend.  It is very nice, the nicest car I have ever owned.  Still pinching myself actually.  Knitted yet another pair of mittens.  I plan to spend spare time this summer knitting them for the homeless.  Pay it forward with yarn!

So, nothing is new, but lots of things are new...such is life.  Life with a man, 5 kids and an obnoxious dog.  Boring at times, but filled with everyday ordinary miracles that make up life.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Some eggs you just can't unfry

My boyfriend grew up in the most twisted environment imaginable.  His own sister once told me "they would have been better off had CPS removed them from the home"
B and his sibs slept on the floor of an attic.  2 boys 1 girl, on the floor of an in no bed, no pillows, no heat in the winter. Sweltering heat in the summer.  A space you could not even stand up in for the slanting of the roof and the nails protruding from above.

When you grow up hearing you are nothing...less than is nearly impossible to turn that belief about yourself around.  The really tragic thing is, that you believe it, and then you grow up and go one of two ways.  You either turn on yourself, or on society...or those you "love". 

So, I find myself in this relationship, with this person who has so much damage and baggage they can't see straight.  I mean, I am afraid.  I think there is so much good in him, yet so much darkness that he will never recover from it.  I have children with this man, he doesn't beat us, or scare us, but he is HARD to live with.  How do I just leave and have a kid with a part time dad...even though he is already a lot of the time...just because of things that were not his fault.  Granted, he is a grown man, and needs to make good choices, but we all have garbage, we all have issues, we all have behavior towards our loved ones that is less than charming.  I am not perfect, far from it....but I am tired.  I am tired of the overflow of his youth making me feel bad about myself.  I think my best line of defense is to surround myself with others who value me as a person...I refuse to be caught in the same trap he is...hearing derogatory remarks about myself to the point I actually believe them to be true.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Anywhere but here

We are in NW OH.  Dead of winter here...and I do mean dead.  Sub-zero temps at night, not much warmth or sun in the day.  I looong for some small token of spring.  I know it lurks beneath the snow somewhere...waiting.  The holiday excitement long gone, cabin fever is setting in.  We try to get our little ones out for some exercise and fresh, although frigid air, but it is not enough when you are 4 and 5.  So, they climb the walls and jump on beds in between playdough and Mickey Mouse Club House.  Emily and Hope are becoming mall rats...anything to get out of the house.  Bill has gone into hibernation mode.  Going from work to home, eat and bed, like a mole from hole to hole.  As for me, if it were not for knitting needles, and my Kindle I think I would be institutionalized by now. 

Since the holidays we have had some moments of excitement.  Hope got her drivers license.  Bill's nephew managed to roll and total our truck in a snow storm, and Tucker(golden retriever) escaped and managed to get hit by a car.  4 steel pins in his leg and about $2,500 dollars later..oh and the oh so sexy "cone of shame" on his head for 6-8 weeks.  How can life be so bumpy and yet so umspeakably dull all at the same time?

Life interupted

This is my maiden voyage in blogging.  I was searching for a spot in which to document a "baby book" if you will for my youngest son Jack.  He is the youngest of 5 children.  Then I thought to myself....Jack is just one important piece of our family, and his story is OUR story.  At least this way, I have a living document if you will, of Jacks youth and our big, loud, crazy, beautiful family. 
 As I said, Jack is our youngest.  He is 4.  William is 5, Hope 17, Emily 20 and Joe very soon to be 25.
My name is Susan, I am 44.  I love to journal, so what better way for me to do so than this? 
Life interupted sums it up....5 kids, 4 living at home, a husband and one obnoxious Golden Retriever a 15 yr old Step Daughter...and a partridge in a pear tree!  Ordinary, everyday family full of ordinary, everyday miracles.
This is my story....our story....for my own pleasure and some words to leave behind.  In the end, I hope to leave more than just words, but rather a tapestry of a rich, fun, full life with some of the most amazing people you could ever meet.
I really don't know how this works...I mean, I am kind of just picking up in my mid 40's.  Lots of history, but much more to come...God willing.  So, to that end, I suppose I will blog away at our everyday, and hope to include some of the "water under the bridge" and go from there.