Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Some eggs you just can't unfry

My boyfriend grew up in the most twisted environment imaginable.  His own sister once told me "they would have been better off had CPS removed them from the home"
B and his sibs slept on the floor of an attic.  2 boys 1 girl, on the floor of an attic..as in no bed, no pillows, no heat in the winter. Sweltering heat in the summer.  A space you could not even stand up in for the slanting of the roof and the nails protruding from above.

When you grow up hearing you are nothing...less than nothing...it is nearly impossible to turn that belief about yourself around.  The really tragic thing is, that you believe it, and then you grow up and go one of two ways.  You either turn on yourself, or on society...or those you "love". 

So, I find myself in this relationship, with this person who has so much damage and baggage they can't see straight.  I mean, I am afraid.  I think there is so much good in him, yet so much darkness that he will never recover from it.  I have children with this man, he doesn't beat us, or scare us, but he is HARD to live with.  How do I just leave and have a kid with a part time dad...even though he is already a lot of the time...just because of things that were not his fault.  Granted, he is a grown man, and needs to make good choices, but we all have garbage, we all have issues, we all have behavior towards our loved ones that is less than charming.  I am not perfect, far from it....but I am tired.  I am tired of the overflow of his youth making me feel bad about myself.  I think my best line of defense is to surround myself with others who value me as a person...I refuse to be caught in the same trap he is...hearing derogatory remarks about myself to the point I actually believe them to be true.

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