Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Just breathe

As the mother of 5 children, some grown or near to it, and others still so little and needing me, I find myself emotionally confused.
I had my first at 19 and my last at 40.  My eldest J is now 25. He has been out on his own since he was 19 or so.  At that point, I found myself feeling too young to be "loosing" my kids. The thought of my daughters (now 20 and 17) leaving home is petrifying to me.  I find myself closing a chapter in my life that I don't feel ready to close.  I feel frozen in fear at the thought of being left with B and the wee ones.  I know they need me, but I feel suddenly...cornered, by my own doing.
Part of me says S, all moms feel this way now and again it is natural.  Other parts say, oh come on suck it up.  You are lucky to have beautiful healthy children. And yet another says, you are a despicable woman for thinking the things you have been lately.
I think...I always used to say I never ever could understand how a mother could leave her kids to their father and just walk I think I know maybe a little of what is going through their heads.  I know deep down I don't have it in me to leave them.  They did not ask to be here and how dare I bale on them?  But maybe if nothing else, this experience has led me to a better understanding of the human spirit.  Maybe just maybe I am a bit less judgemental of others.  Life is difficult.  Life is scary. I have been a mom since 1986 and I have let it define who I am.  Not on purpose, it is all I ever knew.  I left my fathers home for my husbands.  So, I went from child to mother in a New York minute. Robbed myself of expression, for just me.  So I think now is the time to be selfish and just say, hey ya know what?  I don't think I can do this anymore.  These were my choices, not the choices of my, I stay.  I "suck it up" and be there for them.  I think rather than wallowing in self pity I should count my blessings and be a better mom...and definitely get some SLEEP!

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